Today was NOT my day of high self-esteem and organization–in fact, I think I cried 4 times. Once at the plant nursery down the road. Big, fat tears rolled down my face, while I was looking at plants. Not because the plants were so beautiful….something a little more shallow, I’m afraid. See, this particular nursery also has gorgeous clothing from Free People. FREE. PEOPLE. And when I saw the selection, I seriously was ready to SPEND. I wanted what they had to offer-it was right up my alley, in all the right colors….
Except it was only for Smalls and Mediums.
No XL. 18-20….2X….etc.
And so, on one hand, I was sure that I would look at this as motivation to lose weight, eat healthier, etc….but I suddenly caught a sob in my throat, and realized I wasn’t okay.
I hate going to stores, and avoiding half the mall because I need special, plus size clothing. I hate that people make fat jokes, and then flinch because they remember all the weight I carry. I hate that I feel like I can’t eat sweets in front of people, because they’ll judge me.
Notice how I don’t even slightly hate Free People or any store for not catering to our plus-size America. It’s their right to make their clothes to cover a body in a certain way. They design to compliment a certain demographic–I am not that.
But it still tore me open, exposed this wound I had gotten so, so good at hiding, and made me realize that I was NOT happy with my weight. At all.
So, that’s a small part of the frustration and pain I had today.
I was hoping to get some really good shots at the nursery, but I kinda deflated after the clothing fiasco, so….tonight, I have a leaf that’s beginning to darken after drying up from a small bouquet my husband gave me. ❤ The other shot is from a crafty floral lantern I made. I was thinking of making several with different flowers on them, for a unique look. But the leaves really had my attention. I love the complimentary patterns-I must have spent hours at the store looking for the right look, haha.
Have a good night, peeps!