Day 4: Leaves

Today was NOT my day of high self-esteem and organization–in fact, I think I cried 4 times. Once at the plant nursery down the road. Big, fat tears rolled down my face, while I was looking at plants. Not because the plants were so beautiful….something a little more shallow, I’m afraid. See, this particular nursery also has gorgeous clothing from Free People. FREE. PEOPLE. And when I saw the selection, I seriously was ready to SPEND. I wanted what they had to offer-it was right up my alley, in all the right colors….

Except it was only for Smalls and Mediums.

No XL. 18-20….2X….etc.

Nothing. Nadda.

And so, on one hand, I was sure that I would look at this as motivation to lose weight, eat healthier, etc….but I suddenly caught a sob in my throat, and realized I wasn’t okay.

I wasn’t.

I hate going to stores, and avoiding half the mall because I need special, plus size clothing. I hate that people make fat jokes, and then flinch because they remember all the weight I carry. I hate that I feel like I can’t eat sweets in front of people, because they’ll judge me.

Notice how I don’t even slightly hate Free People or any store for not catering to our plus-size America. It’s their right to make their clothes to cover a body in a certain way. They design to compliment a certain demographic–I am not that.

But it still tore me open, exposed this wound I had gotten so, so good at hiding, and made me realize that I was NOT happy with my weight. At all.

So, that’s a small part of the frustration and pain I had today.

I was hoping to get some really good shots at the nursery, but I kinda deflated after the clothing fiasco, so….tonight, I have a leaf that’s beginning to darken after drying up from a small bouquet my husband gave me. ❀ The other shot is from a crafty floral lantern I made. I was thinking of making several with different flowers on them, for a unique look. But the leaves really had my attention. I love the complimentary patterns-I must have spent hours at the store looking for the right look, haha.Β 2013-04-28_0002

Have a good night, peeps!

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6 thoughts on “Day 4: Leaves

  1. Not once have I looked at you, and seen your weight. I see your timid, kind smile, the way you snuggle lovingly with your adorable son, your incredible wit, and how passionately you view your business. You are an amazing person and no number is going to change that. I understand that every woman, yes, EVERY WOMAN, has something about their bodies they would change. So be it. Just don’t change you. Ever. Because, you are uniquely gorgeous and should step back and take notice to the inside-y parts of you instead of the outside once and awhile πŸ˜‰

  2. This makes me sad because I’ve been feeling the same way lately. I was so excited to get the baby weight off and I started looking good. So, when I found out I was pregnant again and so soon after (shh.. not many people know…) I was heartbroken for a millisecond. I’ve gained way more already than I would like. Yesterday when you put up the prints there’s one of just the two of us on a bridge and I couldn’t help but stare at how huge I look. I had to stop judging because I’m making a baby, I’m allowed to look this way, so I looked at it again and smiled. It’s amazing and adorable and a happy moment with my amazing husband and a very big and growing baby bump. You are so much more than just some stupid pant size and I will always be there when you want to get some coldstone and forget about the world. ❀

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